Monday, December 1, 2008


Ok so busy lately so I will update a little.

November - Went to Las Vegas and won 10K. Awesome feeling. Came home and the area had been ravaged by fire.

I have purchased an iPod touch for Charles, a Garmin for Charles, all Christmas presents, a leather couch, a new bed, a bunch of stuff for the house, paid off our Vegas trip. I have a little bit of money left which may be for new TVs but I am not sure.

We have donated a ton of stuff to the fire victims. So far 3 large boxes worth of clothes, a sofa and love seat. In the works is a large entertainment center, television and a bed. It feels good to help people out when you know you have been so fortunate.

The biggest problem with winning the money has been other people expecting stuff. All of DH's family is expecting huge gifts. But that isn't happening. And not because we aren't able but mostly because they "expect" it. That bugs me. Plus we have never ever spent money on us. Always on the kids. So we are treating ourselves. I don't think that is too selfish. So Charles' family is going to have a big surprise when they get only a $50 gift. When we drew names for the gifts his family members were praying that we would pick their names. I drew my MIL. When I asked her what she wanted she pointed out a $200 watch in an ad from Macy's. I said "That is not $50". She gave me such a look. Charles saw and said he will buy for her so she will be mad at him and not me. She'll still be mad at me because I will be the one who "convinced" Charles not to spend lots of money on her. Oh well.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


OMG this economy is freaking me out. First in the news - auto makers wanting money. So what happens if they don't get the money. Lots of people lose their jobs before Christmas. Lots of people lose their homes. Yet the executives at the auto makers take this so seriously that they each take a private jet to DC to beg for money. And say DC gave them the money. How long would that money last. It is not going to make anyone buy car's. So where is the solutions. Wouldn't they just be back asking for more.

Then I hear that food banks are running out. How horrible in a country that eats so much that people that actually need the food are not going to get it. If every person in the country bought $5 worth of canned goods that could solve that problem. But I doubt that would happen.

Jobs, jobs, jobs are gone. People are having such a tough time around the holidays. It is just so sad. When will they be able to find work?

So how does this end. No jobs = no spending = no manufacturing= no sales = no jobs. How do you turn that around? Anyone have an answer.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Lots going on.

Well we had a fun weekend. We went to friends 40th bday. It was so fun to be out with out the kids. First we went to this great sushi restraunt. Quiet and excellent food. Then we headed to the party at a local bar. Lots of fun, live band, and too much Crown and coke. But it was a great night.

The boys had Monday and Tuesday off and so does Emmy so it has been hard keeping them from killing each other. She really loves to push their buttons. I have been trying to get things organized and keep busy. Charles is in Houston until tomorrow night and it sure is lonely. But I have a weekend in Vegas to look forward to. I absolutely cannot wait. I am so excited.

In the mean time I meet with the pediatrician tomorrow about the boys. I have to remember to take the reports and make copies for her. I hope we get some kind of information to go on.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


Found this:

The Little Boy

What is it about the little boy . . .
and all his strange little ways?
What is it about the little boy
and the odd way he plays?

What is it about the little boy;
when will he start to talk?
We wonder about the little boy,
since he was very quick to walk

What is it about the little boy;
why can’t he look you in the eye?
What is it about the little boy,
so quick to scream and cry

What is it about the little boy;
he acts different in every way
What is it about the little boy;
they say it won’t go away

What is it about the little boy?
What is the cause for concern?
What it is about the little boy,
has a diagnosis we’ve learned

Now we know about the little boy
So now where do we turn?
Now we know about the little boy;
there is so much to learn

So, who will help the little boy?
Insurance says no way!
Who will help the little boy
If we cannot pay?

Who will show the little boy..
show him how to play?
Who will show the little boy
What will happen each day?

So what will help the little boy;
his mother's determination and love.
What will help her with the little boy...
grace and strength from up above

Don't know where to start

Well I went on Thursday for the meeting for Anthony. Basically they had the same conclusion. High functioning autism. His social skills are a little better than Michael's in that he will play with others. But he never initiates play and he often gets stuck on a subject. He has a much much harder time finishing work in his class. One day that the pyschologist observed him he took six minutes to just write his name. He tested very high for his long term memory IQ at 133 which is the top score. And his average IQ across all 6 areas was 111 which is high average.

I have made an appointment with their ped for a consultation but I really don't knowe where we go from here. What does it all mean? Will they one day be able to live on their own? Will the get married and have children? Will they be happy? Will they be bullied relentlessly? I am just so worried. I don't know what to do.

Before we just would tell our selves that they had little quirks. Anthony likes to talk (about the same thing over and over). Michael is painfully shy, seeing how he never looks anyone new or strange in the eye. Michael so wants friends and begs for kids to come over. And then he plays by himself. I don't really get it. Anthony usually ends up playing with the kids Michael invites over.

School is beyond painful for both boys. Writing is labored and painful. The therapist says they need to start learning to type. They are very intimidated by math. They see a math page and panic. So the pyschologist says to block their work into small groups so it isn't so overwhelming.

There is so much to do. Adjust school work. Make checkoff lists for everything. Put them in lots of social situations and constantly talk them through it. Everyday is going to be an exercise in patience. I feel beyond overwhelmed. My head hurts.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Well I went for a meeting at the boys school. They had been going through extensive testing. So this was the meeting to reveal the results.

As every report passed in front of me listing all the tests, scores, and percentiles my head began to hurt. What does it all mean? Tell me the point. And then it came "Mrs. Rivera, although we cannot technically diagnose Michael, we believe he is autistic". My heart sank. I have been preparing myself and could have told you they would most likely come to that conclusion. But hearing the psychologist say it is another reality. After two hours of going through the tests and discussing his IEP we finally ended the meeting. I headed home to my boys and felt different. I know that I am not different but things around me looked different. I guess now I am seeing through the eyes of a mother with autistic children.

He is supposedly what they call a high functioning autistic. His main deficits are in understanding social pragmatics which basically means he doesn't get social cues from others. He has a hard time imagining himself in an other's shoes. He also has a problem with organization. He can't organize his thoughts or things. If you saw his desk at school it would be very evident. It looks like a bomb went off. He qualified for services from special ed resource person, speech, and occupational therapy. So unfortunately he will be pulled from class more than I would like but they promised to do as much as they can in the classroom.

My part is a bit overwhelming. I need to make checklists for everything. Morning, after school, dinner, bath time, bed time. He needs to learn how to organize things on paper and follow his lists. So he will have input into the lists. I need to create charts that help him with his emotions. Sometimes his reactions are not appropriate so we will help him figure out what reaction is good for the situation. I also need to have as many play dates with different kids as possible. When other kids are over I am supposed to play with them and help him understand what to do and when to do it. We need to engage in lots of role playing and showing him proper responses. They would also like him to have an older peer that is like a big brother. We are thinking his cousin Nicholas would be perfect for this. He is so good with Michael and really patient. He teaches him a lot of things. We will see him this weekend so Charles is going to talk to him and ask him if he wants to help. There are many more things such as diet and supplements but right now I am trying to focus on a list of my own.

It is heartbreaking. All you ever want for you child is a happy life. Filled with all the joys of childhood. Already their lives have been a struggle. Michael especially has such a difficult time making friends. He struggles in school because he cannot follow oral instructions. He is constantly being reminded that he is different. Not because people say he is but because he sees it. He sees how easy everything comes for other kids. He sees how they do their work and go on their marry way. His school experience has never been like this.

Anyway that night I decided I am going to try my best to focus on the strengths that he has. I spent some special snuggle time with him and held him close (which he loves). I told him a bit about the meeting and what his type of autism is. I explained to him how special he is and his gifts that he has for reading and remembering facts. And then I told him all the reasons I love him. His smile, the way he is always happy to see me, the way he gets excited for simple things like snuggling or going for a walk, his love of all nature even the most disgusting bugs, and for the way he makes us so happy. I told him how proud I was that he was my son and how grateful I was that God sent him to me. We hugged and talked and he told me all the things on his mind, mostly animals. And then he went to read in his room.

I know I have to be strong. I know I have to fight for him. I know I am all he has. I know this is my purpose. I know I will make his life as happy and successful as I can. I know that he will always know how much I love him and how very special he is. And I hope that at the end of this journey he is a happy person that loves himself and his life.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween Pics

Well we had a great Halloween. Our neighbors had a huge haunted house thing and it was so fun. All the monsters, lights, fog etc were in sync with the music. It was really fun music like "Monster Mash". The kids loved it. I just wish the boys would have chosen different costumes. They have never even seen the movies about their costumes but they just know that they are scary. I think it has something to do with the fact that Anthony got really scared one time at the mall when he saw a Freddy statue that moved at Spencer's. He was so scared that every time we went to the mall he would walk all the way on the other side. So I think it was him conquering his fear.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

I always knew this.

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

I always knew I wasn't one or the other but right on the fence. That is probably the reason why I get along with everyone :).

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Things that are bugging me tonight

1. Emmy looking me in the eyes and saying no.

2. Laundry that doesn't end.

3. Children not listening.

4. People that park in an area that says "No Parking". Why are they above everyone else and how can they be so lazy.

5. This election. Please be over. It is over and some people keep holding on.

6. This hot dry weather from hell.

7. The news media who alert all the pyromaniacs that it is time to start fires by saying "Red flag alert" every ten seconds. They also say things like "Perfect conditions for a fire". Isn't that basically saying to Joe Pyromaniac "Come on out and have a ball".

8. Baseball. I am tired of the whole family being ignored because of it.

9. My dirty car.

10. The golf tournament and party Charles is going to on Saturday.

Procrastination Proclamation

I hate the morning craziness. Although I am used to it I still procrastinate every morning. I wake up and have my cup of coffee, check emails, watch the morning news. I could be doing other things but this is my quiet time of the day.

I am completely overwhelmed today. I need to take Michael into the doctor for an ingrown toenail. This will be completely insane because it hurts and he has sensory issues which make ordinary things like brushing his hair or teeth or clipping his nails painful. Can you imagine what an ingrown toenail is going to be like? And he is so scared that he didn't say anything for a long time so it is bad.

Emmy has a cough from some kind of respiratory thing which landed us in the urgent care on Monday. She had a breathing treatment and now is on steroids and albuterol. I don't want to keep her home because she has a lot of energy and misses school. But the weather is so dry today I am worried about her running around. I am just going to leave a note for her teacher that if she starts coughing a lot to call and I will pick her up.

I also need to grocery shop and figure out dinners for the rest of the week. I actually had a nightmare about this. Every food I cooked Anthony didn't like. I guess that is more reality than a nightmare but in my dream Charles was yelling at me saying I was a bad mother. Anyway I am very tired of tacos, spaghetti, hamburgers. Oh and I have to get to Trader Joes because I want to get these sweet potato fries my friend had and said they were wonderful. Maybe I can find some kind of meat on sale too. Who knows.

I also have 3 baskets of laundry to get done. It is all washed but sitting there staring at me, needing to be put in their home. I also need to iron for Charles. We are trying to save moola on drycleaning so I am washing and ironing his work shirts. What a pain in the ass.

OK well I am guessing I am done. OMG I just saw a report about Halloween. I need to get the boys costumes still. They always get neglected. But I hate what they want to be, Freddie Kruegar and Jason. Not fun. And they have never even seen the movies.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Election Infestation

Well lately all you hear about is the financial situation or the election. It can be really stressful. So I am in the kitchen and I hear Emmy fighting with Michael. So I go in the play room and ask what is going on. Well Michael got upset because they said that Barack Obama won the debate. He doesn't like Barack Obama because Obama doesn't support the sportsman (he read an ad in his hunting magazine). So Emmy picking up on Michael's attitude starts running around saying "Barack Obama, Barack Obama" over and over. Driving Michael insane. Who knew that 8 year olds and 3 year olds would be so involved.

And the day before when the market dropped again Michael turned to me and said "Nobody has any money do they?" I said "Not right now". Maybe I should turn off CNN.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Trying not to vomit

I was an idiot last night and went out for drinks with the PTA moms. Holy crap I drank way too much. I only had two margaritas but they were the size of fish bowls. So there ya go. Then I wake up and Michael is complaining about his toe (the nail fell off after he dropped a chair on it). I look at it and it is swollen and red. So I get Anthony and Emmy off to school and take Michael to the doctor. She says to to hot soaks with Epson salt to get the puss out and puts him on Antibiotics. Hopefully that works so we don't have to go back. In the mean time our insurance is all f'd up because ADP Benefits which is handling our COBRA hasn't communicated with Health Net that we have paid. So we had to pay for the doctors visit and the antibiotics. Sucks. Now if I could only feel better.

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Well Charles is gone on a trip for work and I am so lonely. At first I was enjoying it. One less person to clean up after and I didn't have to make a fancy dinner. But now I miss him. No one to talk to. And I miss having him next to me at night. So hopefully he will be back tonight. I don't know how military wives do this.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A sign from above

Well someone upstairs has decided to but the kabosh on my garage sale. It is actually forcasted to rain here. It never rains here but on the Saturday I was planning to have my garage sale it is going to rain. So now I have to put everything I took out away somewhere. Uhhhhggggg. I also have to clean really well for Emmy's baptism this Sunday. I am so bummed. I was looking forward to getting rid of some of my crap and having cash in my hand.

Monday, September 29, 2008


WOOHOO I got tagged by Jess. Sorry Jess it took me so long I have been very busy and overwhelmed as usual.

Here are the rules:Link the person who tagged youMention the rules on your blogTell about 6 quirks of yoursTag 6 fellow bloggers of yours to do the sameLeave a comment to let them know... Now I'm being lazy so I probably won't tag anyone, but please feel free to do it if you'd like:-)

1. I have to start my day with a cup of coffee and reading the news on the internet, or the day is all messed up.

2. I have to make my bed every day or I go crazy.

3. I am addicted to Anderson Cooper 360 and Nancy Grace.

4. I love to eat raisin bran at night.

5. I am addicted to diet coke. It is the only thing that gets me through the day.

6. I used to be addicted to cigarettes for 15 years (I started smoking at 15). I have replaced that addiction with my laptop. Not as unhealthy but still takes up time.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Anxiety everywhere

I cannot turn off the news. I listen to it all day long. And at night I watch Anderson Cooper. And I am left with the news that we could be heading for another great depression. I hear words like catastrophic, unreal, history making, demise etc. These words sit in my stomach. What does all this mean for me? Here I am trying to get my finances in order. Paying cash for everything. Trying to do my best. And here in California it is even worse. The budget just passed and there is even less funding for schools. What does that mean for my boys? Will they get the help they need? I have the feeling that everything is crumbling and a lot of people are going to be suffering for a long time.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Garage Sale

I have been going through the house cleaning out and deciding what is good to sell and what is trash. This is a big big job. I am excited to see how much I sell and how much money we make. I am aiming for Oct. 4th but who knows. All the money will be used toward Christmas. I still really want to get the kids a dog but probably not the Goldendoodle we wanted. We'll see.

In other news the boys are hangin in. Everyday is a struggle but that is to be expected. I really feel like Anthony's teacher is just not good for him. She is really too tough on him. She never reminds him of anything and he needs constant reminders. I had to tell him 4 times this morning to brush his teeth. He has been needing to take a reading test for 3 days. So I emailed her and asked her to please remind him to take the test today and get a new book. Hopefully she will.

Emmy has a sinus infection and isn't eating well. So she is in a bad mood all the time. I took her to the doctor yesterday and she put her on amoxicillan. Hopefully she'll recover fast.

The boys have their first campout with the Indian Guides this weekend. They are so excited. This group has done wonders for the boys. It is extremely supportive of the boys. Michael has really enjoyed it. No one is mean to anyone. No one teases anyone. When one of the boys talks they all cheer and support him. Michael did such a great job at the last meeting. Charles was so surprised and happy. He said Michael stood up in front of the group with the talking stick. He introduced himself and told the group about things he likes. Then he shared the praying mantis he brought. Charles said he spoke loudly and looked at everyone. At the end everyone cheered for him. His smile was so big. He also enjoyed cheering for the other boys. This made me so proud. I gave him a million hugs and kisses when he got home. These boys never cease to surprise me.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Takin care of business.

Well we have been trying to take care of our loose ends lately. Emmy is finally getting Baptised and the boys are registered for CCD. We also are reorganizing our finances. We were out of control with our credit cards. Especially me. I was always buying stuff for the kids. Stuff they didn't even ask for but I just thought they would like. Emmy has 3 sets of bedding. What child needs that? And I almost bought her another one last week but I finally came to my senses and put it back. And if I walk into the Disney store I go insane. I want to get her all the Tinker Bell and Ariel things. Half the time she isn't even interested. It is me who wants them for her. The boys have more books than the library. Every time I am at Sam's I would leave with books. And I can't tell you how many DVDs I have gotten for the kids. And they are rarely inside. I love love love shopping. It makes me so happy. But in the end it made me stressed.

So we are on a new tight budget. If we don't have the cash we don't buy it. It is going to be very hard for me. I love walking into Target and leaving with a basket of stuff. Or going to the mall and buying a pair of new shoes and makeup. So fun. But I have to remember that at the end of all of this we will have more spending money and everything we buy we will actually own without having to pay interest.

So in closing I will say that credit cards are evil evil evil. I will never carry one in my purse again. I think they should be outlawed. No more loans or credit for anyone. Including the Federal Goverment who currently owes 10 trillion dollars.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Black Cloud

Sometimes I feel like a black cloud is hovering over us. First my extended family is falling apart. Then my boys are struggling with school already. Anthony in particular has completely shut down when he sees a math page. As I sit with him during homework I watch him struggle to focus on each problem. He hits himself in the head and makes odd noises. If I don't help him look down at the problem he would never do it. He has a hard time answering the simplest problems like 4-1 . The school is going to do a long list of tests on both the boys. Those results won't be in for a couple of months. So in the mean time they go to school. They struggle and fail everyday. Their self esteem is being chipped away at. My heart is so heavy. I have so much information but don't know where to start. And on top of all of that I occasionally find myself saying "Why?" . I realize that it is counter productive to spend time wondering why this is happening to them. But none the less it does pop in my head. All this on my plate and constant worrying is paralyzing me. I have a hard time eating and doing things like laundry and dishes. I am going to have to force myself today to get through.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


Well I don't know what is in the water around here but divorce is catching like wild fire. Last summer my brother announced that he was getting a divorce. Then a couple of months ago my BIL James told us that he was separated from his wife Dana. And last night my husband got a call from his other brother Rich who told him that he was getting a divorce from his wife Summer. I almost couldn't believe it. Sucks when people who you felt were like family are suddenly gone. I have known both these women for over 15 years. Just hope it doesn't spread to this house.

Friday, September 5, 2008


I am so glad it is Friday. It has been an insanely busy week. I will still be busy all weekend but I won't have to get up at 6am. The boys are tired too. Especially because I have been making them walk to school. It really does make their legs tired because of their low muscle tone but their therapist said it would help tremendously with their figiting in class. Plus it has forced me to walk 8 extra miles.

Michael has had a great week actually. He hasn't finished everything but his attitude has been great. Anthony is of course taking a while to get in the swing. He truly hates school and that is something I really want to turn around this year. He needs an attitude adjustment but I am not quite sure how to go about it. I am just going to keep being really positive in front of him.
He did very good with his homework last night and I made a big deal about it. So hopefully that sinks in.

I also reorganized my bathroom and the kids bathroom. I love it when everything is where it is supposed to be. I wonder how long that will last. Next week I am hoping to clean out and shred a lot of our files. The cabinet is full of old bills from a long time ago. I have so much going on and to keep track of that I need a really good system.

We have also been getting our house painted this week. It is so disruptive when you have workers around all the time. Hopefully it turns out ok. I like the main color of the house but I am not sure if the trim color is what I wanted. It is so hard to decide. I hate the pressure of knowing we are paying $3200 to get the house painted and hoping it is the right color.

Well that is it. Lots of laundry to do today.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Busy Busy Busy - But happy

This is the first time I have sat down since 5:45 am. So about 7 hours. I walked 2 miles this morning including walking the kids to school. Then when I got home I went to the grocery store, came back unloaded, then went to Sam's Club. After unloading Sam's I reorganized my pantry and pre packaged all the boys snacks like pretzels and cheezeits . Then I cleaned the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher. I picked up the living room, made all the beds and threw in a load. Now I am finally sitting and drinkin a diet coke. I love getting things done. Makes me feel good. Tomorrow I have to exchange some stuff my MIL bought for the boys and then I am reorganizing the kids bathroom and our bathroom. I need a new system because too much stuff is ending up on the counter. I can't wait.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Back to school anxiety.

My whole family has it except Emmy who absolutely cannot wait to get to school. My boys have been crying off and on all day. They are so sad for summer to end. I try to be positive for them but I am just as anxious as them. I don't like a couple of the kids in Michael's class. And I found out that Anthony's teacher is going on maternity leave in a month and then he will have different subs for 3 months until she comes back. That is so disruptive. There is no way he can thrive like that. I have already written his IEP coordinator and asked to have him moved.

Anyway we are going to walk to school every day. It will be good for all of us. Emmy's preschool is only a couple of blocks away from the boys school. I measured it with my car and it will be a 1 mile walk for Emmy and a 2 mile walk round trip for me. Hopefully it will get the wiggles out of all the kids.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lots of stuff going on.

We had the boys birthday party on Saturday and they had a great time. A lady came to do a show with reptiles, snakes, and large bugs. The boys loved it. They even got a new reptile of their own. So now we have two lizards in our family. We also had lots of entertainment from Charles friend John who managed to arrive drunk. He jumped in the pool with all his clothes on and then got out of the pool in just his underwear. It was the talk of the party. The kids had no clue what was going on.

Then Monday I got really brave and took all three kids to the Discovery Science Center. They did really great and we had a great day. I was so glad Emmy didn't do her normal bolting. She stayed with me the entire time. I felt so good afterwords.

Today I went to the boys school to help stuff back to school packets. Seeing all the moms made it really feel like the end of summer. Kinda sad about that but I know it is time. The boys are really worried about school and I just keep on trying to reassure them. I have already set up appointments with the school principal and pyschologist so we can get them on a good plan early.
I also registered Emmy for ballet classes. I am so excited. I registered through our city recreation department. It cost $122 for 16 weeks of classes. I think that is awesome. I went out and got her a leotard, tights and her ballet and tap shoes. I have to exchange the shoes because the were too small. But she loved trying them all on. She just kept dancing and leaping. Charles was kind of against ballet but when he saw how cute she looked he got excited. So she starts on Sept 12th. It will work out perfectly because she will go to school Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday and have Ballet/Tap on Friday mornings. I am also looking into swimming lessons at the YMCA. I am going to see if they have something on Mondays that way she is busy everyday.

The boys and Charles are joining Indian Guides through the YMCA. It will be so fun for them. They get to do fundraisers, parades and campouts. They are so excited. It will give them things to look forward to all through the school year. Plus it will give them an opportunity for good friendships.

Tomorrow I need to catch up on laundry. Piles are waiting me. Charles is meeting with a guy that wants to offer him a new job. Hopefully it will be the money he is looking for and have good benifits. I hate change but we have to take a risk to get the reward. I just hope it is all they made it up to be.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


I am so tired. But I have A LOT to do. I don't see a break in sight. In other news I am enrolling Emmy in dance classes. I hope she likes them but we will see. I had to decide between dance or gymastics. She is more of a gymastics girl but this class opportunity opened up and the price is right. So we will see. I also want to enroll her in swim classes at the YMCA. She loves to swim and is doing so well. I don't want her to forget everything she has learned this summer. So we will be busy busy busy this school year.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

California Cocktail

That's what my doc calls it. I am now taking Effexor and Welbutrin. Lets see if it works. I'll know in another month. Try try again.


Well I feel completely overwhelmed. I have so much going on mentally and physically. I have been trying to get the house and yard ready for my boys birthday party this weekend. They are turning 8 and I cannot believe it. We are having around 50 people and a guy is comming to do an animal show with reptiles. The boys are so excited. I have a lot of cooking and cleaning left to do. I also need to find a place that makes a Transformer cake. I have been 3 places and no luck. Uhhhhgggg.

I have also been trying to get ready for back to school. Lots to do there. Bought most of the boys school supplies and I have to label them all because the boys have a hard time keeping track of their stuff. I have also cleaned out and reorganized all their closets so it will be easier for them to find their school clothes.

In the mean time I have been in a horrible mood. I am going to the doctor today and I am suspecting we will try another new med. I can't stand feeling like this. I am really never happy and I am almost always mad. I feel bad for the kids who get the brunt of it. So I hope this is the month where we find something new that works.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Dena asked everyone if they were up for the challange, you have to answer these questions with one word answers... Give it a try!

1. Your childhood? boring
2. Your significant other? stressed
3. Your hair? blah
4. Your mother? confused
5. Your father? wonderful
6. Your favorite thing? shopping
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? tea
9. Your dream/goal? happy
10. The room you’re in? playroom
11. Your friends? busy
12. Your fear? death
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? working
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What you’re not? fake
16. Muffins? blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? furniture
18. Where you grew up? Cali
19. The last thing you did? cleaned
20. What are you wishing? done
21. Your TV? loud
22. Your pets? sleeping
23. Your computer? good
24. Your life? insane
25. Your mood? blah
26. Missing someone? family
27. You need ? money
28. Something you’re not wearing? socks
29. Favorite store? every
30. Your summer? HOT
31. Loves? kids
32. Your favorite word? Shit
33. Last time you laughed? Today
34. Last time you cried? long


Nothing going on. Just hangin with the kids, cleaning out closets, and getting ready for back to school.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Well yesterday I got the first of many e-mails from the head of the PTA asking me to help out. She wants me to help getting the back to school packets ready. Anyway it through into a panic attack. School is so difficult for my boys. It is just like torture. I hate the fact that at the age of 7 they dread everyday and get stomach pains thinking about going to school. That isn't supposed to happen until they are adults. So sad. Every parent dreams of having perfect children but you don't always get the dream. So I am resigned to the fact that another tough year is ahead and will start before I know it. A year of crying and complaining and not wanting to wake up. A year of frustration and giving up. A year of meetings to make sure that the teachers and staff pay attention to my boys and give them the help they need. I am their advocate and I am ready for battle.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Things Remembered

This is what Emmy remembers from the earthquake.

Random life

OK so I am upstairs folding clothes and I hear Michael screaming. So I run down stairs expecting to find a bloody nose or some other injury that always elicits this kind of response out of him. I calm him down and he tells me he swallowed one of these:

So I called the doctor and the first thing she says is "what is an 8 year old doing putting toys in his mouth?" I told her that was the first question I asked him. Anyway she says that I need to check all his poop for the next week. That is going to be fun. If I haven't seen it in a week bring him in for an xray. Let hope it passes.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Me! Me!

Thanks to Momto2boys I have been selected to share 7 things about myself.

So here's how the Me!Me! tag works:

First, share 7 facts about yourself. Next, tag 7 people at the end of your blog by leaving their name and a link to their blog.Last, let them know they're tagged by leaving a link in their blog.

Here are my 7 things:

  1. I have always wanted to live in NYC. Preferrably in a large brooklyn brownstone like one of these.

2. I live in the city I grew up in.

3. I love love love sushi.

4. My favorite place to be is the beach. Haven't gotten there as much as I have wanted this summer so I have been bummed about that.

5. This september my husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary. Yay us!!!!

6. I have gotten horrible migraines since I was very little.

7. I lived in Wisconsin for 3 years and it was the best time of my life.

8. I am always overwhelmed with everything.

9. I really need to go back to work.

10. I am dreading Christmas because I can't spoil the kids like I want to.

Who I am tagging:

Becomming a New Yorker
The Life I Know....Mommyville & Beyond

Just Call Me Mommy
Hawaiian Girl
The Story of Us
My Fairy Tale
Just a Mommy Blog

Monday, July 28, 2008


I have been trying to walk at night. I walk with a friend of mine and she kicks my ass. She used to be a runner and the first night we walked I almost died. Here I was thinking she just wanted to walk and chit chat and it turned out she really wanted to exercise. She walked so fast I almost died the first block. But I didn't want to look like the fat out of shape blob I am so I kept up. I had so many blisters my feet just burned. Charles said I looked like road kill when I came in. The next night she wanted to try a new route. I have no idea how far it was but as far as I was concerned too damm far. We met up at a corner and then walked from there. When we got back to that corner we parted ways. I swear as soon as she couldn't see me I started walking slow. My feet hurt so bad. I got home and just wanted to lay down and die. And the next day I was soooo sore. So every night I wait to see if she is going to call. We go at around 8:30 after our kids are in bed. One part of me is glad I am going and glad she pushes me so much. But the other part of me prays that she doesn't call.

New med

O.K. well my doctor as added a new med to my collection, Seroquel. It is a mood stabilizer and helps you sleep. So far it is making me blahhhhhh. It is like I have no emotion. I am not depressed but I am not happy. It is weird. And now my monthly friend is comming so lets see if it can help me not turn into a fire breathing dragon. This new pill does help me sleep and in a way that is different than the ambien. I don't even remember falling asleep and I sleep through the whole night. It is hard to wake up not because I still feel tired but because it is hard to leave such a nice sleep. So who knows what will happen next. I go back again on the 20th and she will adjust my meds then.

My SIL is doing well and they moved her today from the ICU to a regular room. She is going to have a hard recovery and a new reality. She is quite overweight and that has been and will continue to be a hinderance to her recovery. It is very hard for her to get up and walk. Supporting all that weight after being in bed for so long is very difficult. She was only able to get to the chair and then her legs started shaking. The therapist and nutritionist visited today and said she has to lose weight in order to recover fully. So my MIL is determined not to be the enabler she has been and is going to only serve healthy low fat meals. I am a little sad and will miss our big Saturday mexican meals like Chili Rellenos and Cheese Enchiladas. But we will all be better for missing those things.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Well yesterday my SIL had a 12 hour surgery to remove a brain tumor. It went so well. Better than the doctors had hoped. They weren't sure if they would be able to get all of it but they were. After the surgery she went to ICU and looked horrible. She had a breathing tube and it was very hard for the family to see.

Today I went to see her and was amazed. She was breathing on her own and conscious. She looked at me and said Hi. When Charles said he loved her, she said I love you. She has had one seizure and has a fever from the fluid build up in the spot left vacant by the tumor. But the doctors said that is to be expected. If she keeps improving like this she will be able to go home Monday. Isn't that amazing.

The doctors said she should recover well and because they were able to get it all her recovery time won't be as long as they thought. They said her personality will be different so that will be interesting to see. She used to be quite shy and had a low drive. Didn't like to get out and do things. But that was because the tumor was in the area of the brain that controls those impulses. So now she may be more outgoing and have more goals for herself. I hope she has a long happy life.

Friday, July 18, 2008

I am tired of trying

I have tried so many medicines to help my anxiety and nothing has worked. It is 10pm and I have a knot in my stomach. I can't watch the news or any real life show with out it turning my stomach inside out. The worst is Nancy Grace. They always have some horrible story on there about an abused and murdered child. Drives me bonkers. Or last night I watched this show Hopkins and almost had a heart attach when a mom learned her toddler was in heart failure. I could feel her cry in every part of my body. Maybe it is just because my husband and boys are gone camping but I just cannot relax. If I didn't take Ambien I would never get any sleep.

I have a doctors appointment next week and I hate telling her that it isn't working. She always looks so disappointed. But I also cannot keep this up. She said she is considering refering me to a therapist who can evaluate me better. I guess I can do that. I am really trying to just keep going with the hope that help will come soon.

Current top worries on my mind:

  • My boys are in the wilderness without me- they could get lost and never found, fall in the creek and drown, get attacked by a bear or mountain lion.

  • School is a little over a month away-life gets so difficult during the school year and is so hard for my boys. School causes lots of stress and hard work for all of us.

  • There is only a little over a month of summer left (this looks the same as the other worry but it isn't- there is a lot behind this worry)- I feel like we have fallen short on giving the boys a great vacation.

  • my husband wants to change jobs- his current job is not giving him any challenges. I hate it when he changes jobs. This means changes of insurance, schedule etc.

  • my SIL is having brain surgery this week- how do I help my husband and take care of the kids- The whole week is going to be extremely stressful.

  • money money money- no explanation. Everything costs more lately. Everytime I drive I have anxiety.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Got My Answer

Well about a week ago I called my childhood bestfriend Heather. If you read this blog then you know the back story. Anyway I left a message that was really happy and told her I wanted to ask her something. Well she never called back. I was really hoping that we could remove ourselves from my brother's and her aunt's drama and keep our friendship going. But I am guessing not. Very sad that a person and family that has known me for 30 years and hosted Emmy's baby shower is no longer a part of my life. Kinda don't know what to do with that.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Moments of gratefulness

Sometimes things happen in life that just are not fair. A little boy that goes to my sons' school lost his father on the 4th of July to cancer. He had throat and tongue cancer and had never smoked or chewed tabacco. He was diagnosed a year and half ago and within the last 3 weeks deteriorated very quickly. Now this 8 year old boy does not have a father and his wife is left alone to pick up the pieces. His illness cost them a lot of money and who knows what will happen next.

I could not stop thinking about them yesterday when I got the news. How lucky am I? Although there are moments where I want to strangle Charles I also have moments where I am very grateful he is still here. I could have easily been in that woman's shoes. Left alone. And when I first heard Charles' diagnosis that is what I imagined the future would hold. But three years later he is still here and so far ok. And I am very grateful on behalf of myself and my children.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Bitch Fest

Well Summer has been full of surprises.

First I worked for a long time to get ready for our big camping trip. I was so excited to go. Although I am not big on the dirt I love love love the scenery. It is so beautiful and peaceful and the moments (even though they are small) I find of serenity keep me going for a long time. Unfortunately our vacation got cut short because my SIL got sick and we found out she had a brain tumor. So we had to come home.
It has been an emotional roller coaster since then. One minute she is getting the operation, next she is not. They said the insurance needed to be approved and sent her home. She got approved for one but is still waiting for the other. In the mean time my poor MIL is my SILs shadow. She is so worried that she will have another seizure and hit her head. So she is with her, right next to her all the time.
So anyway with all this going on I got really depressed. Mostly because of selfish reasons. First I was bummed that our vacation, (my only one this summer) was cut so short. I know it was unavoidable but Iwas still bummed for me and my boys who basically held on to this trip the whole second half of the school year. It is what got them through. They were so good and understanding about comming home early but I really felt horrible. Charles is going to try to get them up there a couple more times this summer for some small fishing trips. So Emmy and I won't be going. Which sucks cuz I need to get away. I also got bummed cuz we cancelled a weekend we had planned to meet friends in Palm Springs. So another thing I don't get to do.
It is really really hard to keep 3 kids happy all summer on a tight budget and limited resources. Plus we really cannot plan anything until we know what is going on with my sister in law and when she is stable. So I am kinda stuck. I have done play dates, parks, picnics, Chuck E Cheese etc. But I just want to get away. Plus Charles isn't around as much. His company made him lay off his two merchandisers and they also layed of 3 other sales representatives. So he has been working a lot more. And when he is off he is at his moms. So I am trapped here.
So I wait out another long boring monotonous day hoping something will pop up that will excite me or give me something to look forward to. I can only hope for an end to this torture.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


Life is . The end of the school year so busy it is making me insane. Two graduations for family members, our 9 day camping trip, Emmy sick and up all night, retirement parties, volunteer tea, preschool party etc etc, First grade awards assembly, first grade pizza party. I have only 6 days to be ready for our trip. I feel completely overwhelmed. I have a pounding headache from no sleep. I also have laundry staring at me and a little girl who wants me to hold her alllllll day. We get back from our trip and 5 days later we leave for Palm Springs. So I will be washing washing washing. Also I am so not looking forward to being in a bathing suit around the other mom that will be there. She is 6 ft tall and skinny. I get to put my fat ass next to hers on a lounge chair. Great time huh. On the plus side I finally found a bathing suit that fits my top so that is good. But I doubt I will take my shorts off ever. Blah Blah Blah. OK I think I am done complaining for now.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Kinda sad

Well for the past few months my brother has been separated from his wife Gina. Most of the time I am ok with it but sometimes it gets me down.

Back history is that Gina is my childhood best friends (Heather) Aunt. She has known me since I was 4. My brother went through a break up at the same time as her and me and my friend Heather thought we should fix them up. It seemed to work out. But 21 years later they decided to end it.

It is a really weird situation for me. I am attached to her and her family in a way that is different than other SIL relationships. I spent many weekends with her sister Julie and my friend Heather. We all went on vacations together and she helped teach me to drive. All before my brother was even in the picture. Later in life Gina and Heather hosted my Engagement party, bridal shower, and both of my baby showers. Such a huge part of my life and my past.

Now it is so awkward. Heather's mom Julie is hell bent on making sure my brother pays. She went though a horrible divorce when Heather was young and she is re-living it through Gina. I haven't called Heather because although I would hope our friendship could survive this I also know how close Heather, Gina and Julie are. I know that Heather and my brother have had issues because he feels she is too much in their business. I am afraid if I call her it will look like a betrayal of my brother. Gina's support team is so strong and my brother is pretty alone other than me.

So until I find the courage to call her it will fester. And I will be sad that two families that have been so close for 30 years are now separated.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Hamster wheel of life

Well last weekend we went to Fresno to visit Charles best friend John and hang at his house. It was fun and I was super organized and even left the house all clean and the kids clothes ready for the next week.
Well this week I feel like I can never get caught up. I am running running running all day long with interuptions from the kids and at the end of the day all the things I wanted to finish are staring at me.
We are going camping with friends this weekend and I have to clean out the trailer. It is hideous inside. A vent was left open the last time we had strong winds and it is full of dust. So I get to spend my only morning without all 3 kids cleaning it out.
Meanwhile the laundry is piling up and I have to keep up because we will be gone again all weekend. Add in the dishes and the fact that Emmy decide to empty out her toybox and it is impossible to get it all done. Ahhhhhh.
Well small goals. Clean out the trailer. Wash 3 loads. Wash dishes. Make grocery lists for trip. Make packing lists for trip. Thats all I can hope for today.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Party time.

Emmy had a wonderful time at her party. There were lots of cousins to play with and she would never leave the bounce house. She was very well behaved and I was so proud. Everyone loved the food and enjoyed themselves. So the work was all worth it. Here is link to more pics if anyone is interested.¤t=207aaf6a.pbw

Thursday, March 20, 2008

My baby is 3

My baby is 3 today. I am kinda sad. She has grown up so fast. She acts like she is so old. She can drive me so crazy but I love her so much. She is always right next to me, like a shadow. She gives the best hugs and kisses and loves to take care of me. I am so blessed to have such a happy, healthy, and engergetic little girl. Happy Birthday Baby!

Panic Panic Panic

It is getting close and I am still sick and have soooooo much to do. This morning I have to get everyone up and dressed, boys to school, Emmy has a drs. appt at 8, Then preschool for her party. Then I head to the boys school for an hour to help, then to Sams to make a dent in my list. Then pick up Emmy, lunch, dishes, pick up boys. Homework, dinner, clean if I have time. Baths. etc etc. I will have to do most of the work at night which sucks cuz I am so tired at the end of the day.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Pure Torture

I am so sick that dying actually looks appealing. I know that sounds horrible. But I swear there are moments that I am so uncomfortable and so tired that permanent sleep sounds nice. I have this horrible sinus thing and my head feels like it is going to explode. I swear, I wish I could poke a needle in it to releave the pressure. To top it off for the past week I have barely slept. I have been up every hour peeing. So I look up side effects of the Paxil I am on and it says frequent urination and insomnia. So finally I took my paxil in the morning and last night I finally slept almost all night. I woke up at 3 when Charles was up getting ready to leave. Oh I forgot to mention that Charles is gone tonight on a business trip. So I am alone with three kids.

I am getting by the best I can. The sink is full of dishes (dishwasher broken). The hampers are overflowing. The playroom looks like a tornado blew threw. I am making the easiest dinner I can, hot dogs and apple slices. I haven't eating in 3 days but may try some soup tonight. My stomach is freaking out because of all the meds I am taking without food. I have actually gone out with out drying my hair and with out makeup or earing. This is rare for me. But I honestly do not care.

In the mean time to be nice my MIL and SIL came over and picked up Emmy for the morning to give me a break. They walk in and Emmy runs and gets her new top she is wearing for her Tinkerbell Bday party next weekend. She just loves it. It has a green camisol with Tink on it and a purple and lavender flower overlay that is a little shear. Originally I was going to get her a Tinkerbell costume but decided against it because we are getting a bounce house. So I figured this would be better and easier to get crazy in. Anyway here is a pic.


So do you know what my MIL says to me. "Oh you decided to dress her like a flousey." WTF. There is no way that this is a flousey type of shirt. It has tinkerbell on the front and pretty delicate flowers. My jaw dropped. This woman is so unappreciative. Our little party of close family and friends has expanded to 50+ people because "she" wanted a big party. So we are shelling out 600 bucks to make her happy. And she has the nerve to critizize Emmy's new shirt when she could clearly see how happy Emmy was and how much Emmy loved it. Ahhhhhh.

So anyway tonight I am going to try to survive and hopefully get some more rest so I can work on this house. I only have one week left and I am in freak out mode.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


I am so tired of sickness. I swear I have been sick for two months. Charles has had a cough for like 6 months. And some crazy ass fever has run through our kids with Anthony getting strep throat. I have a bazillion things to do to get this house ready for Emmy's bday party. And I wake up achy with a fever and total sinus congestion. WTF. Haven't I had my share of sickness already? Then as I am lying in bed this morning the phone rings. It is Charles saying he's got the fever. So this basically means that I am SOL when it comes to help with the kids tonight.

And I want to strangle my MIL. She wanted Emmy to have a big party. Well we didn't but now through her grapevine we have 60 people comming. That is 60 people to feed and 15 goody bags for the little kids. Big kids are SOL. I am really trying to focus on what will make Emmy happy cuz she is the only guest that matters. But I get all these special requests from my MIL for food etc. So I told her to bring it. I think she was pissed but oh well. Then I have to hear crap from my mother who says "Why do you listen to her and not to me?" Ok I really have time to deal with her jealousy over nothing.

Anyway I have decided that instead of spending 600 bucks on her party, next year we are taking Emmy somewhere like Disneyland.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I don't do this often

Well I just haven't felt like blogging lately. Mostly cuz I have been sick or busy or busy and sick. I am very tired of being sick. I just have too much to do and can't be like this. Plus this is Charles' busiest time of year so even when he is home he is on the computer crunching sales number and drawing up regional buys. So he is no help, plus he expects me to keep the kids away from him which is so hard cuz they all miss him.

Emmy has been so insane lately I honestly have to gather all my strength to get up. I dread each day. She tests me every minute. First she has to do everything herself. So even getting dressed is an ordeal. If she puts it on wrong she freaks out. If I try to help her she freaks out. This is especially frustrating when I have no time and I am trying to get everyone off to school. She seems to really reaching for attention. I think it is because I have been so busy or sick plus her daddy hasn't been home much. She dumped a bottle of nail polish on herself and my dining room chair (thank god I had a cover on the seat). She through a cup of coins all over the living room. She dumped my silk flowers all over the living room. I make her pick it all up but it usually is a battle and involves a time out. So I am thinking other than my laundry I am going to just spend some time with her this weekend.

Well here are some newer pics from the last month or so. I don't think anyone looks at my blog but I'll post them anyway.