Thursday, July 31, 2008

Things Remembered

This is what Emmy remembers from the earthquake.

Random life

OK so I am upstairs folding clothes and I hear Michael screaming. So I run down stairs expecting to find a bloody nose or some other injury that always elicits this kind of response out of him. I calm him down and he tells me he swallowed one of these:

So I called the doctor and the first thing she says is "what is an 8 year old doing putting toys in his mouth?" I told her that was the first question I asked him. Anyway she says that I need to check all his poop for the next week. That is going to be fun. If I haven't seen it in a week bring him in for an xray. Let hope it passes.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Me! Me!

Thanks to Momto2boys I have been selected to share 7 things about myself.

So here's how the Me!Me! tag works:

First, share 7 facts about yourself. Next, tag 7 people at the end of your blog by leaving their name and a link to their blog.Last, let them know they're tagged by leaving a link in their blog.

Here are my 7 things:

  1. I have always wanted to live in NYC. Preferrably in a large brooklyn brownstone like one of these.

2. I live in the city I grew up in.

3. I love love love sushi.

4. My favorite place to be is the beach. Haven't gotten there as much as I have wanted this summer so I have been bummed about that.

5. This september my husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary. Yay us!!!!

6. I have gotten horrible migraines since I was very little.

7. I lived in Wisconsin for 3 years and it was the best time of my life.

8. I am always overwhelmed with everything.

9. I really need to go back to work.

10. I am dreading Christmas because I can't spoil the kids like I want to.

Who I am tagging:

Becomming a New Yorker
The Life I Know....Mommyville & Beyond

Just Call Me Mommy
Hawaiian Girl
The Story of Us
My Fairy Tale
Just a Mommy Blog

Monday, July 28, 2008


I have been trying to walk at night. I walk with a friend of mine and she kicks my ass. She used to be a runner and the first night we walked I almost died. Here I was thinking she just wanted to walk and chit chat and it turned out she really wanted to exercise. She walked so fast I almost died the first block. But I didn't want to look like the fat out of shape blob I am so I kept up. I had so many blisters my feet just burned. Charles said I looked like road kill when I came in. The next night she wanted to try a new route. I have no idea how far it was but as far as I was concerned too damm far. We met up at a corner and then walked from there. When we got back to that corner we parted ways. I swear as soon as she couldn't see me I started walking slow. My feet hurt so bad. I got home and just wanted to lay down and die. And the next day I was soooo sore. So every night I wait to see if she is going to call. We go at around 8:30 after our kids are in bed. One part of me is glad I am going and glad she pushes me so much. But the other part of me prays that she doesn't call.

New med

O.K. well my doctor as added a new med to my collection, Seroquel. It is a mood stabilizer and helps you sleep. So far it is making me blahhhhhh. It is like I have no emotion. I am not depressed but I am not happy. It is weird. And now my monthly friend is comming so lets see if it can help me not turn into a fire breathing dragon. This new pill does help me sleep and in a way that is different than the ambien. I don't even remember falling asleep and I sleep through the whole night. It is hard to wake up not because I still feel tired but because it is hard to leave such a nice sleep. So who knows what will happen next. I go back again on the 20th and she will adjust my meds then.

My SIL is doing well and they moved her today from the ICU to a regular room. She is going to have a hard recovery and a new reality. She is quite overweight and that has been and will continue to be a hinderance to her recovery. It is very hard for her to get up and walk. Supporting all that weight after being in bed for so long is very difficult. She was only able to get to the chair and then her legs started shaking. The therapist and nutritionist visited today and said she has to lose weight in order to recover fully. So my MIL is determined not to be the enabler she has been and is going to only serve healthy low fat meals. I am a little sad and will miss our big Saturday mexican meals like Chili Rellenos and Cheese Enchiladas. But we will all be better for missing those things.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Well yesterday my SIL had a 12 hour surgery to remove a brain tumor. It went so well. Better than the doctors had hoped. They weren't sure if they would be able to get all of it but they were. After the surgery she went to ICU and looked horrible. She had a breathing tube and it was very hard for the family to see.

Today I went to see her and was amazed. She was breathing on her own and conscious. She looked at me and said Hi. When Charles said he loved her, she said I love you. She has had one seizure and has a fever from the fluid build up in the spot left vacant by the tumor. But the doctors said that is to be expected. If she keeps improving like this she will be able to go home Monday. Isn't that amazing.

The doctors said she should recover well and because they were able to get it all her recovery time won't be as long as they thought. They said her personality will be different so that will be interesting to see. She used to be quite shy and had a low drive. Didn't like to get out and do things. But that was because the tumor was in the area of the brain that controls those impulses. So now she may be more outgoing and have more goals for herself. I hope she has a long happy life.

Friday, July 18, 2008

I am tired of trying

I have tried so many medicines to help my anxiety and nothing has worked. It is 10pm and I have a knot in my stomach. I can't watch the news or any real life show with out it turning my stomach inside out. The worst is Nancy Grace. They always have some horrible story on there about an abused and murdered child. Drives me bonkers. Or last night I watched this show Hopkins and almost had a heart attach when a mom learned her toddler was in heart failure. I could feel her cry in every part of my body. Maybe it is just because my husband and boys are gone camping but I just cannot relax. If I didn't take Ambien I would never get any sleep.

I have a doctors appointment next week and I hate telling her that it isn't working. She always looks so disappointed. But I also cannot keep this up. She said she is considering refering me to a therapist who can evaluate me better. I guess I can do that. I am really trying to just keep going with the hope that help will come soon.

Current top worries on my mind:

  • My boys are in the wilderness without me- they could get lost and never found, fall in the creek and drown, get attacked by a bear or mountain lion.

  • School is a little over a month away-life gets so difficult during the school year and is so hard for my boys. School causes lots of stress and hard work for all of us.

  • There is only a little over a month of summer left (this looks the same as the other worry but it isn't- there is a lot behind this worry)- I feel like we have fallen short on giving the boys a great vacation.

  • my husband wants to change jobs- his current job is not giving him any challenges. I hate it when he changes jobs. This means changes of insurance, schedule etc.

  • my SIL is having brain surgery this week- how do I help my husband and take care of the kids- The whole week is going to be extremely stressful.

  • money money money- no explanation. Everything costs more lately. Everytime I drive I have anxiety.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Got My Answer

Well about a week ago I called my childhood bestfriend Heather. If you read this blog then you know the back story. Anyway I left a message that was really happy and told her I wanted to ask her something. Well she never called back. I was really hoping that we could remove ourselves from my brother's and her aunt's drama and keep our friendship going. But I am guessing not. Very sad that a person and family that has known me for 30 years and hosted Emmy's baby shower is no longer a part of my life. Kinda don't know what to do with that.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Moments of gratefulness

Sometimes things happen in life that just are not fair. A little boy that goes to my sons' school lost his father on the 4th of July to cancer. He had throat and tongue cancer and had never smoked or chewed tabacco. He was diagnosed a year and half ago and within the last 3 weeks deteriorated very quickly. Now this 8 year old boy does not have a father and his wife is left alone to pick up the pieces. His illness cost them a lot of money and who knows what will happen next.

I could not stop thinking about them yesterday when I got the news. How lucky am I? Although there are moments where I want to strangle Charles I also have moments where I am very grateful he is still here. I could have easily been in that woman's shoes. Left alone. And when I first heard Charles' diagnosis that is what I imagined the future would hold. But three years later he is still here and so far ok. And I am very grateful on behalf of myself and my children.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Bitch Fest

Well Summer has been full of surprises.

First I worked for a long time to get ready for our big camping trip. I was so excited to go. Although I am not big on the dirt I love love love the scenery. It is so beautiful and peaceful and the moments (even though they are small) I find of serenity keep me going for a long time. Unfortunately our vacation got cut short because my SIL got sick and we found out she had a brain tumor. So we had to come home.
It has been an emotional roller coaster since then. One minute she is getting the operation, next she is not. They said the insurance needed to be approved and sent her home. She got approved for one but is still waiting for the other. In the mean time my poor MIL is my SILs shadow. She is so worried that she will have another seizure and hit her head. So she is with her, right next to her all the time.
So anyway with all this going on I got really depressed. Mostly because of selfish reasons. First I was bummed that our vacation, (my only one this summer) was cut so short. I know it was unavoidable but Iwas still bummed for me and my boys who basically held on to this trip the whole second half of the school year. It is what got them through. They were so good and understanding about comming home early but I really felt horrible. Charles is going to try to get them up there a couple more times this summer for some small fishing trips. So Emmy and I won't be going. Which sucks cuz I need to get away. I also got bummed cuz we cancelled a weekend we had planned to meet friends in Palm Springs. So another thing I don't get to do.
It is really really hard to keep 3 kids happy all summer on a tight budget and limited resources. Plus we really cannot plan anything until we know what is going on with my sister in law and when she is stable. So I am kinda stuck. I have done play dates, parks, picnics, Chuck E Cheese etc. But I just want to get away. Plus Charles isn't around as much. His company made him lay off his two merchandisers and they also layed of 3 other sales representatives. So he has been working a lot more. And when he is off he is at his moms. So I am trapped here.
So I wait out another long boring monotonous day hoping something will pop up that will excite me or give me something to look forward to. I can only hope for an end to this torture.