Weird feelings

Ok I haven't blogged in a long long time. But I have been crazy busy and very overwhelmed. Anyway lots has happened but nothing too spectacular that I feel like typing it down. Anyway, it isn't like lots or anyone reads this.

Ok so I don't know if it is all the drinks I have had tonight but I have baby fever. OMG so many people I know have had babies recently. I absolutely know that I cannot handle, nor do I have room for another. But all these sweet little faces are making me nostalgic. I mean they smell so good and they don't talk back. And they are so simple when they are young. I think it is the fact that I will never ever do that again. That is what gets me. I know I can't do another baby but I don't like it. And I can't go back. I wish I could have more moments with them. I was so busy with the boys and sleep deprived, I honestly don't remember much. And I wish I could just have a moment to look at them, and take it into my heart. They grew up so fast. I will never get that back. Gosh before I know it some hoochi is going to steal them from me. I don't know if I can bear that.

And Emmy has grown up sooooo fast. I mean in 2 1/2 years she has come so far. She is so independant and wants to do everything herself, and I just want her to be my baby forever. But she is almost 3, getting her own drinks, doin the potty thing on her own, picks out her clothes and shoes. It is insane.

If only I could win the lottery. Then I could pop babies out and play with them all day. My chef would make all the meals and my two housekeepers would do all the cleaning and laundry. But alas, I have not won the lottery and I don't have the time needed for another. So I sit here, drinking too much vodka, looking at all the adorable babies, and feeling a little sad that I will never do that again. I know I am weird.

I will just try to remind myself what I have to look forward to. I am very excited for the summer time. We already booked our first camping trip and got an awesome spot on the creek. This year, even though she was partially trained last year, Emmy will be fully potty trained. She will be able to do more and so will mommy. We won't be tied so much to the trailer. We will be able to go on longer walks and have lot of fun by the campfire. We are also planning a trip at the end of the summer to visit my Mom's family in Canada. The boys love love love it there. My Aunt has an awesome house on 3 acres. The boys are out in the yard all day. Then we travel up to northern Quebec and go to there cabin on a lake. They are one of a handful of people on this lake and it is sooooo peaceful. We have bonfires at night and card games. The kids roast marshmellows, hunt for frogs and snakes and hang out on the paddle boats. My cousin Malcolm has kids all around my kids ages so they will have a blast. My Aunt always babysits so Charles and I can enjoy the nightlife of Ottawa. It is sooooo fun.

All of this would be much more difficult with a newborn and not nearly as much fun. I will keep telling myselft this, until this feeling passes. And remind myself that the newborn time of my life is gone, but I have other things to look forward to.

not around much

I have been busy and just not blogging lately. Charles is doing ok and has been working on projects around the house. He has a doctors appt with a pulmonary specialist next week. So we are in limbo.

We put new laminate flooring in the boys room and painted. Now Charles is just finishing up the touches of moulding and outlets etc. There room is going to be an outdoors cabin kinda of theme. We have some hunting and fishing signs and are hoping to get some antlers. A friend of ours just brought over some beautiful pheasant feathers he got when hunting up north. So I have to figure out how to incorporate them. When it is all done I'll post pics.

Christmas is comming and I am overwhelmed and stressed. I really want to enjoy the holidays but I always get bogged down in all the work. I host both sides of the family on two consecutive days so it is exhausting. I wait for Christmas day when I don't have to do anything. I still have quite a bit of shopping to do but my heart isn't in it. There is sooooo much I want to get the kids but Charles put me on a budget so it isn't fun. Hopefully we will get the boys room finished and the house decorated this weekend. I pray.

The boys did great for their first quarter report cards. The areas they have issues with we already know. I am getting a bit frustrated with Anthony's teacher. She keeps sending home the papers he isn't finishing in class. So everyday he has homework and schoolwork to finish. He works for about 2 1/2 hours. It is ridiculous. We have a meeting with everyone on the 18th and I am going to bring it up. He should be encouraged to finish in class and if he doesn't he has to finish during recess. She just sends it all home and it is tooo much. I might as well homeschool him. It is friggin amazing how much work there is in 1st grade. I feel so bad for them because it doesn't come easy for them. Whatever is wrong with them neurologically, it makes it difficult to focus and organize. So even though they test high their output is low. Along with poor motorskills which affect their writing. It is painful to watch them. They work so hard all day. It is sad to see a 7 year old work so hard. They should be playing. Anyway thats life.

So that is where we are. Stressed, overwhelmed, freaked, anxious, busy, all wrapped up.

Trying not to freak

Charles has been coughing now for over a month. It is a horrible cough. He has passed out 3 times from not getting enough air during an attack. He has been to the doctors at least 6 times. Because of his history of cancer the doc did a chest xray early and blood work. Everything came back clean. But that was over a month ago. The doc has prescribed at least 8 different meds and nothing has worked. So last week the doc sent him in for a cat scan and he goes in today for the results. Actually he is there right now in the room (he just texted me). I am so nervous. I am sick to my stomach and tears are looming. I have such a bad feeling and I am so afraid of the news. I know I have to be strong. I have 3 kids and I can't show fear or they will be afraid. But I have no where to let this out so here I am. All I want is for him to call and say that it is something easily curable. I am really trying to focus on the positive. All his other tests came back good and clean. So if it is something maybe it is early and we can take care of it. I just want to scream for help and I feel so desparate. I really don't know what to do. I think I will just go play with Emmy and wait for the call. I am so scared I can hardly breath.

***UPDATE****

Well the ct report said there were some lymphnodes that were larger than normal in his chest. But it is most likely a reaction to the radiation he had when he first had cancer. So this doc is now sending him to a pulmanary specialist to be sure. As far as his cough, his lungs look clear so it is being caused by a very bad nasal drip that is some kind of allergy. So now the doc sent home new meds. I am so done with this. It is like we get answers and also get new questions. So now he needs to make a new appt with the pulmanary guy. I feel like I will never get a good nights sleep.

Its my party and I'll cry if I want too

Well my 34th birthday is tomorrow. Yuck. I am getting so old and I don't feel like it. But there are constant reminders. Three kids for one thing. Plus the millions of grey hairs that seem to pop into existance by the minute. Then I was reading on my cousins page and it said this:

do not add me if you...
are over 30
are a pervert
are a wierdo
are a stalker
are obsessive
want to steal my pics
met me at my work (unless your a regular :] )
are looking for dates

Since when is being over 30 in the same group as perverts, weirdos, and stalkers. Jeesh. The worst is when I walk by the mirror or look at a picture and don't recognize myself. In my mind I look one way and when I see the reality it is horrifying. And I find myself feeling really bad for old people. They must feel so left behind, trapped in an old body. And people are so mean to old people too. Sucks. I saw this car accident and the car had hit a pole. On the hill next the car sat an old man with his head in his hands. I felt so bad for him.

Anyway its my birthday and I am old and that is the end. So happy bday too me.

Wind, fire, smoke, yuck

Well it has been an interesting time the past few days. These fires are beyond comprehension. Starts out as one and explodes. Hardest hit was San Diego County where 1300 homes have been lost and 500,000 are still evacuated. CRAZY. I am lucky. My brothers home was surrounded by fire Monday night and came out ok. The only affects we have had are from the wind which blasted everything outside and covered everything with dirt and ash. I also have 3 kids who are stir crazy because they can't go outside due to air quality. Hopefully that will change soon. Anyway here are a few pics. Some I took and some I just thought represented the craziness well.

Here is my niece (heart necklace)before homecomming on Saturday night. Now those hills behind her are all burnt.

This is the view from Lake Mission Viejo of the Santiago fire near my brothers house.

This shows how the winds blow the fire. The smoke is almost flat.

Our pool. Yuck.

My favorite bush :(

Out front, smokey air.

Time flys.

In two and a half short years we went from this:

To this:

Where did my baby go? Wahhhhhhh wahhhhhhhh. I miss her. :(

Why?

Why do people do things like this? Saturday I am visiting with family and we get on the subject of Disneyland. I tell my SIL (who has taken her son 6 times and he is 18months old) that we really want to go but the $500+ it would cost is not in the budget right now. OK so 3 days later we get this pic.

Yes it is cute. But really. I mean really. It is just toooooo coincidental. Maybe the idea sparked after our convo. I am sure in one way it did. But to call and tell us to check out your pics when you know that I would love to take my family is rude. At least that is how I feel. I mean if you said hey I wish I could go to Hawaii and I left the next week and sent you pics wouldn't you think that was rude. Your kids are 2 weeks and 18 months. What is really the purpose of taking them to Disneyland. Really? Plus is a 2 week old supposed to be in such a public place during cold and flu season? I don't think so. Is it fun rubbing it in others faces.

Yes I am jealous. I wish we could afford to go. But the think is they can't afford to go either. They just charge it. So why brag?

Not gone, Just busy

Well, things have been really crazy lately so I'll post a little update.

Charles has been sick with this horrible cough for 2 1/2 weeks now. It has been quite stressful. In the beginning I was quite worried that it was his lymphoma comming back. His doc was a bit worried too so they sent him in for chest xrays. Well after too long a wait we found out his chest was clear thank goodness. It was a relief but he still has that cough and the doc isn't doing much. He goes back in on Wed bcuz they are also doing a physical so hopefully Charles will speak up and get new meds.

In the mean time the boys and school have been keeping me pretty busy. They just cannot finish their work in class on time. I don't get it. I really don't know what else to do. If you promise them something they finish it in no time. Other wise it takes them forever. Michael has been having a harder time with this than Anthony. It will take him 40 minutes to do his spelling test. But when his teacher found a grasshopper and told him he could keep it on his desk for the day if he finished his spelling test quickly, he fininshed in 5 minutes. When are they just going to get there stuff done so we don't have to go through this anymore? When are they going to understand that the quicker they do the work, the quicker they get to play? I don't know. They are also having a hard time finishing their math. Yes 30 math problems on a page don't look appealing but just finish. It isn't that they can't do it. We have math races all the time and they blurt out the answer quickly. I don't know why they just wont do it. It is soooooo frustrating. Anthony is getting it a bit better than Michael. He finished his homework in 20 minutes last night. Michael however, took and hour and a half. He mostly turned around in the chair and read things on the desk. I finally had to make sure that nothing was on the desk and he was standing and then he started working a bit better. So frustrating. I am so tired from trying so hard to get them to do their work. I really don't know what else to do. We have promised trips, and treats, and movies. But at the end of the day I walk up and see that look on their teachers face. FRUSTRATING.

In other news. Emmy wanted to be a monkey and so we went to the costume store. Couldn't find a monkey but she wanted this:

She thinks it is DeeDee Doodlebop but it is really Stephanie from Lazy town. I have never heard of her but anyway Emmy is happy thinking she is a Doodlebop. I ordered a monkey online and Charles is going to kill me. But I just want her to be what she really wants kwim. Besides this can go in her dress up box anyway.

Mixed emotions.

Well I got the text this morning that my BIL and SIL were at the hospital in labor. I am truely excited for them and their new additon. But I also have mixed emotions.

I feel a bit sad because I will never do that again, especially after everything I went through and knowing that I truely don't want another. But I will miss the new baby excitement. I don't know if that makes sense.

I also am prepared for the fact that we will lose babysitters. My MIL is our primary babysitter. She drops everything when my BIL calls and will babysit my other nephew at a moments notice. I have a lot of resentment because she openly favors my BIL and his son. She ignored Emmy for the first year of her life because Emmy would cry when she held her. So anyway when their first son was born he had an awesome disposition and won her over in a split second.

She is prepared to do everything she can to help them out because she is worried they can't handle two kids so close (17 months) apart. They had marriage issues about 2 years ago and my MIL thinks she needs to save them. But when I was pregnant with Emmy, Charles had cancer and we moved and I did it all by myself. She never helped. After Emmy was born Charles took one day off and I was on my own. No one worried about me. Now don't get me wrong. I get that she didn't think I needed help but it still annoys me. Mostly because we never get out except maybe once every couple months and my BIL and SIL will drop their kids off whenever and head to a game or dinner. Annoying. On the other hand my SIL does pay the price with having them in her house and business alllll the time. My MIL is heading over there after work to clean it for them so the baby comes home to a clean house. She won't leave until asked and because BIL is such a mamas boy he won't. Last time she stayed at their house 3 days until finally my SIL had a breakdown. So I guess I need to focus on that.

And I also need to focus on a new baby and new cousin for the kids. I do love it when our family gets bigger. End of rant. I feel a little better. At least until she does something to piss me off.

Why don't men listen?

So I am having a hormonal day. I was supposed to go and get a mani and pedi and I couldn't find my gift certificate. So because I am irrational I take it as a sign that I am not supposed to go. Yes I could have just gone and paid but that wasn't the point. So I sit around bummed all morning doing laundry and feeling like crap. I really wanted to go and feel a little pretty since I haven't felt pretty in a long time. Charles is home doing work on the puter and he is just not getting why I am not just going. I try to explain it to him but because he is a man he just says go and pay or snap out of it. Then as he is leaving to go to his home office he says "I am going into home office where all the hotties are ha ha". Uhm jerk. I said "Why would you say that when you know I am feeling like crap?" And he says "Cuz it is funny". Then he leaves mad. WTF was he thinking?

Update.

Well last tuesday it began and it really hasn't ended. The worst was Tues, Wed and Thurs. But it is still happening just not as much pain. So I called my doc and I have to go in to do blood work tomorrow and an ultrasound on wednesday to make sure everything has passed. I really want this to be all over so I can move on. I have meetings scheduled at the boys school and I am supposed to be helping out in their classes. So I just want to do what I need to do. Probably not this week but hopefully next.


As soon as I started feeling semi good I was up and working. It is so hard to be a mom and not be 100%. Dishes were piling up, laundry was insane and the playroom was a disaster. So Saturday Charles took the kids to a birthday party and I got to work and threw out 6 bags of old toys and crap from the playroom. It felt sooooo good. Then Sunday I did 5 loads of laundry and made homemade fish and chips with coleslaw for my parents. It was exhausting but felt good too.
Here are some pics from the party. Emmy had a great time and loved having her face painted.

Ready to go. I got the present and my backpack.

Bounce house fun.

Swings
I want to be a princess

9/11

I can still remember that day as clear as yesterday. I was sitting on the rug in the living room playing with my one year old twins and watching GMA. All of a sudden they announced a fire in one of the twin towers. I called my dad (a native New Yorker) and told him to turn on the TV. As we watched and reminised about our last trip to the World Trade Center and how scared those people were, I saw a plane fly in and an explosion. I said to my dad, "Wow that observation plane just crashed into the other building, what a horrible accident on top of the fire". My dad said, "Annalisa that was no accident, we are under attack". I will never forget the fear that came over me. I will never forget holding my boys so close. As the morning events unfolded I became more panicked. When would it end? What would be next? I called Charles and he said he had been sitting in traffic stunned. He decided to come home early that day and we just sat together as a family and cried. It was horrible. I will never forget that day or all those people who lost their lives. That morning will live on with me forever.

Once your a mom.

It has been very strange with this whole miscarriage thing going on. I feel like I live two different lives. I am cleaning up, doing laundry, making meals, packing lunches, laying out clothes, cleaning up paint etc. All the while I am waiting for this miscarriage to start. Sometimes for a brief moment I almost forget. Until I go to the bathroom and see a bit of red. Then I am reminded of the life that ended inside of me. But I have to be a mom to my children that are here first. I want to curl up in my bed and wait it out. I can't. Little people need me. Maybe thats good. I am just so tired.

Roller coaster ride.

Well I am back from the hospital and found out that there is no heartbeat. I saw the little baby but they couldn't find a heartbeat. So now I just have to wait to hear from the doctor.

I feel sad. I feel exhausted. I just want it over. But I don't know how long this is going to take. The cramping and bleeding have increased but not like it is during the middle of a miscarriage. So only time will tell. Charles is bummed but being supportive too, well as supportive as you can be from a sales meeting. I am very glad we didn't tell anyone. I really would not have enjoyed all that drama and then having to tell them the baby passed away. That would be insane.

So I just sit here, cramping, with a dirty house and 4 loads of laundry, waiting until 2 to pick up my boys. Life ends and life goes on.

Did I say that I hate HMOs.

OMG I had the most horrible day running around because of my stupid HMO. I had a drs appt at 9:15. When I left she gave me a referral to my OB and wanted me in ASAP because of the spotting. So I call the dr who cannot get me until next tuesday at the earliest. So I let my primary know. Then I get a call that they want me to come back and pick up some lab orders that I can get done in the mean time. So I go back after the boys are out of school and they also give me a prescription of progesterone and a referral for an ultrasound at the hospital. They tell me to call the hospitals radiology dept and request an early appt. My primary tells me if they do not get me in by tomorrow to call the OB and find out what they want me to do. So I do this to which I find out I cannot get in any early than next thursday. I call the OB and they say that my primary is responsible since they ordered it and they should call the hospital themselves because they could get me in. So I call my primary who is now pissed because the OB supposedly is the one who told them to order it. So she tells me to look on the back of the referrel and there is a list of about 20 radiology depts. She says to call each one until I get an appt tomorrow. WTF I do not have time to do that. But I go ahead. After the third call I say forget it. I call my primary and tell them I do not have time to call all these places. I have 3 kids home and I am busy. They put me on hold and come back 2 minutes later telling me they got me an appt at the hospital tomorrow at 9. Why couldn't they just do that in the first place. Ahhhhhh. Now I have a splitting headache and 3 kids with boundless energy. Charles is at a company BBQ and I am on my own. The thought of bed is all that is keeping me going.

I don't think they will tell me anything tomorrow but I will try to get a peak. When radiologists do the exam they never tell you anything. They just send the pics to the doc. So wish me luck. I kinda know what should be there and what it should look like so we will see.

Red Tape

Well I have been corresponding back and forth with the principal at Anthony's school. I have a meeting at 11 today so we will see. I am having a hard time gettting her to budge but hopefully that will change today.

Here are the emails we have sent back and forth. Any suggestions are taken.

Dear Mrs. Silverman,

My name is Annalisa Rivera. I am the mother of Anthony and Michael Rivera. We have met a few times last year to discuss their special needs in Kindergarten. I went today to see where they were placed and I was quite disappointed in the choice of first grade teacher for Anthony.

At the end of last year I had been assured by you, and Mrs. Catalano that he would be placed with a teacher that could handle him and his issues. According to most parents that I have spoken to the best choice for my boys would have been Foster or Bartells. Michael did get placed in Foster but Anthony was placed with Pla. I don't know much about Bartells or Pla but from what I have heard Pla is very laid back and not has outgoing as Bartells. Bartells has a reputation among the parents for taking kids with issues and helping them turn around.

One of Anthony's issues is that he needs to be engaged and brought out in the class or he will be lost in another world. He has a difficult time concentrating and staying on task. He can also have quite a temper and gets discouraged easily when things get difficult. If what other parents have told me is true, Pla is not the teacher that would be best suited for these kinds of problems.

The other concern I have is that there are two children in that class that Anthony had serious issues with last year. One is Julian who threatened to kill his brother and tormented Anthony for quite a while with bad language. And the other is Edmund who he also had a couple of problems with. He has a hard enough time concentrating with out worrying about these other distractions.

Another reason I had wanted him placed with Bartells or Foster was experience. I have heard that they both have a lot of experience. Both Hammans and Catalano have told me that they have never had children like mine in their classes before. Their set of problems are very unique. Maybe someone like Bartells who has had many years of experience would have dealt with someone like Anthony before.

The last reason I would like Anthony moved is because I was hoping he would be with Ryan Martinez. I know it is not a critical issue but I have good reasons for why I had wanted them together. Anthony has a very hard time making friends. He is lacking social skills when it comes to knowing how to engage others. Ryan is very social and a good student. These are both areas that Anthony is deficient in. When he is with Ryan it makes him more confident and he learns a lot of positive attributes. Ryan is the main reason Anthony wanted to be in AR. Anthony is also very nervous and worried about school. Knowing he will see Ryan everyday would give him a reason to be excited about school.

I know that parents are not supposed to request placement and I know that nothing is guaranteed. But my boys education is extremely important to me. I have to stand up for them and be their advocate. If I think something can be made better for one of them it is my duty to speak up. So that is what I am doing. I know you must remember me and how important my boys are to me. I don't think many other parents break out into tears during meetings like I did.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to place all the children with special concerns. I really appreciate your time in considering this matter. I hope to hear your decision soon.

Sincerely,

Annalisa Rivera

Her response

Mrs. Rivera,

Thank you for your letter of request. You are a very caring and supportive parent! I know that last year we spoke about placing the boys carefully to assure that they would have their needs met. I did not and cannot promise any particular teacher as we need to balance classes and make sure every teacher has a teachable group of students. As you know my teachers team and meet together on a regular basis as well as teach to the standards for their grade level. I have great confidence in all of the teachers on the 1st grade team.

Parents always have opinions about teachers based on their experiences and child. Sometimes information in the community is not always accurate and sometimes parents don't know the entire story. I do not recommend that you use that information as a basis for requesting a teacher as one parent or student could have a fantastic experience and another may not depending on their personal situation. There may be many success stories that you are not aware of.

It is my professional opinion that the boys are placed with teachers who have high expectations, teach to the standards, and can be understanding and patient enough to meet the boys needs. All of the teachers in 1st grade are highly experienced with 10 years or more in teaching. As a matter of fact Mrs. Foster is one with a shorter experience since she came into teaching later in life. I did the same thing.

I am happy to sit down with you and discuss at length what the needs of the boys are and invite the teacher so we can make sure to move forward in a positive way. Let's make an appointment to meet in the next couple of days.

I have change of class forms in the office and we can go over in more detail your concerns.

Respectfully,
Debbie Silverman


My response:

Mrs. Silverman,

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my letter and respond. I know this is an extremely busy time for you.

In regard to the teacher situation the only reason I was confident in the community information is because it came from multiple parents and Mrs. Catalano. I would never take the opinion of one parent as fact but multiple sources tend to lend themselves to the truth.

Anthony loved Mrs. Pla and had a great first day. He actually said he loved 1st grade which is terrific because they spent most of the summer dreading it. I did notice a few things that I would love to address in a meeting. Mrs. Pla was not aware of any of Anthony's issues and made a comment to me as we were leaving that he was having a problem with his writing. So I would love for her to have time to read his file and familiarize herself with Anthony's special needs. She also was very soft spoken. Maybe this will be fine but Anthony tends to drift off and I fear he will not pay attention. I am not sure if Mrs. Foster has read Michael's file either, and that may be helpful also.

I am committed to my boys and their education. I would be remiss as a parent if I didn't try to get the best teacher for my child. I will work with them everyday and I am committed to a year of hard work. I just felt that a better teacher option could have been chosen. I really need teachers that are up for the challenge my boys offer and are prepared to work hand in hand with me to help them succeed.

I know my boys have tremendous potential. If we can find a way to overcome their challenges they would be spectacular students. I have appointments on Thursday but I am available on Friday. I am not sure if the whole team has to be present or not. Either way I would love to meet with you and the teachers.

Sincerely,

Annalisa Rivera


Her response;

Annalisa,

I commend you again for being such a committed parent. I will make time to meet with you on Friday according to your schedule. I noticed when I visited yesterday that both the boys seemed very happy and engaged in class. You are right ...teachers have not been fully informed so we will definately go over the files with both of them. I look forward to meeting with you.

Debbie

Ironic

I finally was able to make a drs appt today. I got in on thursday at 9:15. Now it is 4:45 in the afternoon and I am spotting and have lower back pain. It seems when I try to accept this pregnancy and can actually imagine it something takes that away from me. I am going to try to rest, not easy with 3 kids around, and I will post in the morning. For anyone who doesn't know I had 3 consecutive miscarriages before I had Emmy. That is why it takes me such a long time to become attached to a pregnancy. Anyway, wish me luck. Lets see what fate has in store for me. Maybe a big lesson.

Good days, Bad days.

That's life right. I have days where I feel pretty OK and only a little tired. Then there are the days where I feel like I am stuck to the couch and the thought of food makes me sick. Some mornings I wake up and forget that I am pregnant. Then I have this huge reality check.

In the back of my mind the chance of miscarriage is always looming so it is making it very hard for me to connect with this pregnancy, as if it wouldn't be hard anyway. So I wait until Tuesday when I can finally call and make an appt with my primary care physician and get the ball rolling. Did I mention that I hate hate hate HMOs. Ok.

It is also weird walking around with this huge secret. Every time we are with family I feel like a big liar. But I also want to wait til I know everything is fine. Why make everyone upset for no reason. We have only told one person in real life (All my online friends know and have been a lifesaver). Charles told his best friend John. I asked him what his reaction was and he said that John just said "Your fucking crazy". I am sure this will be the standard response.

So life goes on. Boys start first grade this year and there is already drama. Anthony was supposed to get a specific teacher and he didn't. I was livid. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. With all his problems he needs this teacher. The principle assured me and so did his kindergarten teacher. The teacher he was supposed to get has about 25 years of experience. She has the reputation for dealing with problem kids and turning them around. The teacher Anthony got has a reputation for being very quiet and laid back. Anthony will get lost in the shuffle in that class. He needs a strong aggressive positive teacher. Also in the class they put him in there are two boys who picked on him last year. One boy even threatened to kill his brother. It was a huge deal the kid got in huge trouble along with his parents having to come in etc etc. So who needs all that drama when you have a hard time paying attention anyway. Also his best friend Ryan is in the other class. This boy is in the top of the class. Very smart, very social, a great role model and mentor for Anthony. He really brings out the best in him. I was told by his kindergarten teacher that they would be put together. So I tried to find the principle and couldn't so I sent an e-mail and will look for her Tuesday morning. Supposedly there are no class changes for two weeks. We'll see. I don't know what kind of response I will get or if she will change anything, but I will be there everyday. And if this teacher is not helping Anthony everyone will know.

Emmy starts school on Tuesday too. She is beyond excited. Everyday she talks about going to school, lots of friends, painting, big slide etc. She asks everyday. I don't think she will want to come home after only 3 hours. It will be interesting.

So that is my life right now. Lots of firsts, lots of new. I am looking forward to next week and dreading it at the same time. Should be busy at least so it will go fast.

Hot as hell.

I hate hot. I hate humidity. And it is both here. Yesterday at 5pm when I went to a back to school bbq it was 109. CRAZY. And it is supposed to stay hot all week. Fun. Yesterday we had a power alert and they turned off my AC. Ass wipes. Well thank goodness I have a pool. We just hung out there til it came back on.

The lack of seasons is one of the things I hate about Cali. Everyone else goes back to school and the weather starts cooling but not here. It doesn't cool until around Christmas. And even then it is a crap shoot. We have had Christmas days that reach the mid 80s. It really doesn't start getting cool until January and it continues until mid May. Then the warm up starts. And by cool I mean low 70s during the day and 50s at night. Not exactly the artic freeze. Occasionally we get an off week where we will have freezing temps at night. My kids love this bcuz the sprinklers create "snow" on all the bushes. On Halloween I have to make sure that their costumes aren't too warm because it could be 85 that day. Actually a friend of mine who moved here from Canada said we have seasons. Summer - hot as hell, Fall - hot windy and fire, Winter - warm days cool nights slight chance of rain and mudslides, Spring - warm/hot 50/50 chance.

Anyway I will have to focus on all pluses of living in Cali as I suffer through another hot ass day.
Tell myself, beach, family, mountains, shopping, lots to do. Ok a little better.

Alert

Non Precipitation Advisory

EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM 10 AM THIS MORNING TO 7 PM PDT THIS EVENING, EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING IN EFFECT FROM 10 AM TO 7 PM PDT SUNDAY... More

Saturday

Hi: 101°

Lo: 76°

Mostly Sunny

Hourly

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Sunday

Hi: 100°

Lo: 75°

Partly Cloudy

Hourly

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Monday

Hi: 97°

Lo: 71°

Partly Cloudy

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Tuesday

Hi: 94°

Lo: 69°

Mostly Sunny

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Just busy.

Well I am still freaking out but have been really busy too. We went camping for 7 days and when we got back it was the boys 7th birthday. So I had about 10 loads of laundry to do and a party to get ready for. Now I am just trying to catch up.

Emmy is starting preschool on the same day the boys are starting first grade. Ahhhhhh it is going to be an emotional day. She is only going two half days a week but it is still a big jump into a new world. She is beyond excited. She knows what school is because she would go everyday to take the boys. She can't wait to have "lotsa friends" and go wee on the big slide. I think I am going to have a hard time getting her to come home at noon.

All these changes happening make me nervous. I feel like I am in a dream world most days. I keep hoping to wake up and everything be back to normal. But I don't think that will happen. Now I am getting worried about if this baby will be alright. I know, I know, if I am not worrried about one thing its another.

Here are a couple of recent pics of the kids.

It starts.

All the reasons I hate being pregnant are becoming apparently clear. The insomnia and anxiety attacks at night are relentless. Then add the normal fatigue you get with pregnancy and I am a joy to behold every day. I can't get comfortable to save my life and roll over and flip flop all night.

And every once in a while this wave of panic rushes over me with every question in the book popping in my head. Then I was laying with Emmy last night on my bed after her shower. We were just snuggling and talking and she says "I love you mommy very much, always your baby?" Well I started balling because I took that away from her. She won't be the baby for long. I wanted her to be the baby. She is meant to be the baby. And I changed her life forever. I feel horrible about that. I have no idea how I am going to find the time or the energy to give all 4 of my kids the attention they need.

In the mean time I am trying to pack for five people for 7 days. No fun. This is my last day to get it all done. Wish me luck. I hope everyone stays safe and happy while I am gone.

Accidents happen.

Well the crimson tide never arrived so I took a test. And it was positive. And now I don't know what to do.

First of all I am the most fertile person on the planet. One time is all it takes for me. I know this and still made the mistake of playing the odds.

Second, this is exactly what I don't need. I really really really do not want another child. I am happy with my family the way it is. I love my baby girl and wanted her to be my last. And my boys take so much energy I just don't know where I am going to find more.

Third, my parents are going to freak and his mom is going to freak. They have all seen how overwhelmed I am. My mom especially is not going to be over joyed. So I am not at all looking forward to having to tell them.

Forth, If it is a boy, we have no where to put him. We only have a 3 bedroom house. Yes we have an office but it is heavily used so I don't think we could use that. I guess we might have to. I don't know. So we will be praying for a girl.

My husband is shocked but happier than me. He grew up one of 5 so this is not the end of the world to him. But his lack of panic is pissing me off and making me feel all alone.

So I sit here typing and crying and feeling overwhelmed. I can say with all honesty that I do not want this baby. But I also know in my mind that I will love it. I have heard of many people who had surprises and eventually it all works out. I guess I just have to get over it and deal with the next nine months and the fact that I will have 4 kids. The fact that I will never get out of this house. The fact that I did this to myself.

Tag!

8 things about me

1. I love the show Gene Simmons Family Values.

2. I love Sushi.

3. I am addicted to the computer.

4. My brother just called me to officially tell me that he is getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage. =(

5. I never see my best friend. We have drifted apart.

6. I long to go to NYC.

7. I hate cleaning.

8. I am a day dreamer.


I would tag people but I don't have anyone new to tag that hasn't done it. =(

Life is fleeting.

A young man with a wife and two very young kids goes off to the gym to work out. An hour later he is dead, suffering a massive heart attack from a heart defect he didn't know about. The person that died was a cousin of my husbands good friend. I have never met him but have heard of him but his death is a reminder.

My husband is at the funeral right now supporting his friend. And all I can think about is that poor family. There is woman there today, my age, sitting in a pew with her two young children and she is having to say good bye to her husband and best friend. And there are two young children, too young to know what is going on, sitting in a pew at the funeral of their father. Sooooo sad.

Just another one of lifes reminders that life comes and goes in seconds. No one is above death. It comes for all.

RIP Richard Anthony Jaimie.

Jaime, Richard Anthony, beloved son, brother, husband and father, a resident of Fullerton for seven years, passed away July 30, 2007. He left behind his parents, Richard and Mary Ann; brothers, Eric and Christopher all of Orange; wife, Risa Jaime; daughter, Roberta; son, Richard Reese. Rosary was held at Hilgenfeld Mortuary 8/2. Mass will be held at Holy Family Cathedral 566 South Glassell, Orange CA, Friday Aug. 3 at noon. Procession immediately following to Loma Vista Memorial Park, Fullerton. He will be deeply missed.

Scary

Isn't it horrifying what cancer can do:

RIP

Soooooo Hilarious and true!

Where to Live After Retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that " dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought


You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.


You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Why am I the bad guy?

The other night Anthony said something to me that was very hurtful. Charles had taken them over to a friend of his kinda late because he was leaving the next day for 4 days and wanted to spend some time with them. Well they didn't get home until 10 and this is way past their supposed bedtime. So they get out and I hug them and I say to get inside and brush their teeth. Anthony says "Dad said we could cricket hunt when we get home" and I say "I don't think Dad knew how late it was when he said that" and Anthony said "I knew you would ruin all the fun, you always ruin all the fun". I almost started crying right there but instead I went upstairs to bed and cried. I let Charles put them to bed and didn't even say good night. Then the next day we were watching some Disney movie about Halloween town and the mom was telling the daughter she had to go back to the mortal world and couldn't fly around on a broom stick. Michael turns to me and says "She sounds like you, always ending the fun". I told him that Moms do what is best for their child and not what is fun. But that is not something a 6 year old cares to understand.

I don't want to be the bad guy. But I am. And I hate it. I want to be the fun one. The one they can't wait to see. I want to be the one that never says no. But that is not my role in this family and I really don't know how to change it. Well I kinda know. I could just not care about rules or sleep or nutrition. I could not care if my children turn out to be rude, ill mannered little monsters. Then I would be fun. But for some reason I can't do this. Why can't I just let go of the rules?

I really really wish we could be equally the bad guy. I wish he could make them do their homework. I wish he could make them eat their veggies or fruit. I wish he could tell them to pick up. Don't get me wrong. He does occasionally back me up and even has disciplined them for things. But he doesn't help with the mundane routine tasks of life that my boys think I am inflicting on them.

I am thinking that maybe I should be in charge of somethings and Charles in charge of others. For example, I am in charge of making them pick up, brush their teeth, and homework and he could be in charge of making them eat something, playing nicely with their sister etc. I don't know. All I know is I don't want to be the wicked witch of the west.

All alone with 3 monsters

Charles left on a fishing trip for 4 days. I am stuck here trying to keep the kids from killing each other. Fun times.

So True

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
____________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and!
wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
___________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3 rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
_____________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!
______________________________________________________

Hey sleep, come to my house!

Sleep does not exist at my house. It seems lately that everyone is having a hard time getting some. I have always slept horribly since I was very little. And I am guessing I passed this trait on to my offspring. One thing that contributes to my lack of sleep is the time I actually go to sleep. Every night I say I am going to be early. But then all the kids are asleep late and I want at least two hours to myself with no one bothering me. So I end up in bed around 11:30 and fall asleep around midnight. Then Emmy wakes up at least twice a night and bangs her head against her mirrored closet doors. This makes a very loud sound so I have to go in there, put her back in bed, and rub her back until she goes back to sleep. Then Anthony wakes up and announces he has to pee which wakes me up. Then he wakes up an hour later, 6 am because he is sooooo excited his best friend is coming over today to go swimming. He refuses to go back to sleep but I make him stay in his bed. Then Emmy starts rocking against her mirrored doors (waking from all the commotion with Anthony) so Charles, who is awake getting ready for work, gets her and brings her back to our bed where she falls back asleep. And I am now left here to clean the house before our guests arrive with no sleep and grumpy kids. I could only dream of a night where I actually went to sleep and didn't wake up til the morning.

When does school start back up?

Not soon enough. Keeping all 3 of the kids from killing each other has taken up most of my energy. Every two seconds someone is screaming that Emmy took their toy or Emmy is screaming because they won't share. It is so friggin hot out that I don't want to take them to a park but it is obvious that they NEED to get out. They do go swimming but it is hard because I have to sit there and watch them when I could be doing other things.

This whole thing has me uninspired and makes Charles mad at me. He says he is tired of seeing me mope around. I am just giving up on this week. Tomorrow is the 4th and we don't have much planned. We may go to my BILs and hang but it is really difficult cuz they have an ungated pool so it really isn't relaxing for me. After being at my brothers (Emmy tried to jump in the jacuzzi without her floaties on) I just don't feel like chasing her around for hours. Plus their pool has different levels and you can't see the surface of the water very well. Stressfull.

Things to look forward to. I am getting a cut and color that is lonnnnnng over due on thursday night. Maybe that will lift my spirits. Plus Charles is taking the boys with him to Fresno Friday morning to visit his best friend for the weekend. So a little less fighting for a couple of days. I also have Friday to look forward to kinda. I have book club and since Charles will be gone Emmy is going to spend the night at my MILs. But I do have to make a pasta salad that they will all like which is hard because a couple of them only eat organic and one is a vegetarian so I am really struggling with finding a recipe that they will all find suitable.

So in conclusion I am feeling blahhhh but am hoping that next week will be a new beginning and I will get out of this funk. And I also hate this friggin heat. The end.

Down by the sea

Camping pics

We took the boys camping and they had a blast. So did I. I had a lot of peaceful quiet moments by the lake, stream and in the trailer. It was heaven and have now become my "happy place" that I go to when the kids are driving me bonkers. In the last photo of Michael by Mack lake it looks just like one in the previous post. Must be a popular place to stop and take a photo.

Emmy did very well with her grandma. In fact she was so well behaved that my MIL says she doesn't believe any of my monster stories. She thinks I am nuts. I told her she was so well behaved because she was getting everything she wanted but my MIL doesn't buy it. Oh well.

We are scheduled to go back at the end of August and take Emmy with us. Maybe grandma will want her again. We'll see.

Gone Campin!

This is where I will be for the next 4 days. The Eastern Sierra Nevada, specifically Rock Creek Lake. I have my book, Elephants for Water, and I am going to sit by the lake while the boys fish. I also have a nice bottle of petite sirah in the trailer along with a bottle of Tequila. Oh and baileys to go with the hot chocolate. Emmy is staying behind and I am sad cuz I know I will miss her. But it will be better for the boys and me. She is a lot to handle and we really want to get in some good hikes. So so long for now and hopefully I get some nice pics.

Fathers day.

The kids had a blast at my brothers. I'll let the pics speak for themselves.