not around much

I have been busy and just not blogging lately. Charles is doing ok and has been working on projects around the house. He has a doctors appt with a pulmonary specialist next week. So we are in limbo.

We put new laminate flooring in the boys room and painted. Now Charles is just finishing up the touches of moulding and outlets etc. There room is going to be an outdoors cabin kinda of theme. We have some hunting and fishing signs and are hoping to get some antlers. A friend of ours just brought over some beautiful pheasant feathers he got when hunting up north. So I have to figure out how to incorporate them. When it is all done I'll post pics.

Christmas is comming and I am overwhelmed and stressed. I really want to enjoy the holidays but I always get bogged down in all the work. I host both sides of the family on two consecutive days so it is exhausting. I wait for Christmas day when I don't have to do anything. I still have quite a bit of shopping to do but my heart isn't in it. There is sooooo much I want to get the kids but Charles put me on a budget so it isn't fun. Hopefully we will get the boys room finished and the house decorated this weekend. I pray.

The boys did great for their first quarter report cards. The areas they have issues with we already know. I am getting a bit frustrated with Anthony's teacher. She keeps sending home the papers he isn't finishing in class. So everyday he has homework and schoolwork to finish. He works for about 2 1/2 hours. It is ridiculous. We have a meeting with everyone on the 18th and I am going to bring it up. He should be encouraged to finish in class and if he doesn't he has to finish during recess. She just sends it all home and it is tooo much. I might as well homeschool him. It is friggin amazing how much work there is in 1st grade. I feel so bad for them because it doesn't come easy for them. Whatever is wrong with them neurologically, it makes it difficult to focus and organize. So even though they test high their output is low. Along with poor motorskills which affect their writing. It is painful to watch them. They work so hard all day. It is sad to see a 7 year old work so hard. They should be playing. Anyway thats life.

So that is where we are. Stressed, overwhelmed, freaked, anxious, busy, all wrapped up.

Trying not to freak

Charles has been coughing now for over a month. It is a horrible cough. He has passed out 3 times from not getting enough air during an attack. He has been to the doctors at least 6 times. Because of his history of cancer the doc did a chest xray early and blood work. Everything came back clean. But that was over a month ago. The doc has prescribed at least 8 different meds and nothing has worked. So last week the doc sent him in for a cat scan and he goes in today for the results. Actually he is there right now in the room (he just texted me). I am so nervous. I am sick to my stomach and tears are looming. I have such a bad feeling and I am so afraid of the news. I know I have to be strong. I have 3 kids and I can't show fear or they will be afraid. But I have no where to let this out so here I am. All I want is for him to call and say that it is something easily curable. I am really trying to focus on the positive. All his other tests came back good and clean. So if it is something maybe it is early and we can take care of it. I just want to scream for help and I feel so desparate. I really don't know what to do. I think I will just go play with Emmy and wait for the call. I am so scared I can hardly breath.

***UPDATE****

Well the ct report said there were some lymphnodes that were larger than normal in his chest. But it is most likely a reaction to the radiation he had when he first had cancer. So this doc is now sending him to a pulmanary specialist to be sure. As far as his cough, his lungs look clear so it is being caused by a very bad nasal drip that is some kind of allergy. So now the doc sent home new meds. I am so done with this. It is like we get answers and also get new questions. So now he needs to make a new appt with the pulmanary guy. I feel like I will never get a good nights sleep.

Its my party and I'll cry if I want too

Well my 34th birthday is tomorrow. Yuck. I am getting so old and I don't feel like it. But there are constant reminders. Three kids for one thing. Plus the millions of grey hairs that seem to pop into existance by the minute. Then I was reading on my cousins page and it said this:

do not add me if you...
are over 30
are a pervert
are a wierdo
are a stalker
are obsessive
want to steal my pics
met me at my work (unless your a regular :] )
are looking for dates

Since when is being over 30 in the same group as perverts, weirdos, and stalkers. Jeesh. The worst is when I walk by the mirror or look at a picture and don't recognize myself. In my mind I look one way and when I see the reality it is horrifying. And I find myself feeling really bad for old people. They must feel so left behind, trapped in an old body. And people are so mean to old people too. Sucks. I saw this car accident and the car had hit a pole. On the hill next the car sat an old man with his head in his hands. I felt so bad for him.

Anyway its my birthday and I am old and that is the end. So happy bday too me.