Well I have many issues but this one has been paticualarly haunting lately. I grew up in a Catholic family performing all the sacraments and never feeling insecure in my beliefs. I have turned to religion to explain things or to help me cope with loss. But lately, probably since I haven't gone to church regularly in a while, I have been questioning my beliefs.
First thing that bothers me is the whole scientific thing. Who are we in the universe? What is the universe? Does it begin? Does it end? Is it inside something else? Are we here because we evolved from some micro organism and happen to live on the 3rd planet from the sun and have just the right environment to support life? Why do we think we are so important? Why as a species do we focus so much on things and what we have? Do we realize that our individual lives are short and merely a milasecond of a millasecond in the span of the universe or this planet. But yet we seem to live in a world where money rules and things that you have prove who you are.
Second thing that bothers me is the whole concept that my religion is better that your religion. Why is it that christians think their religion is best when it isn't even as close to as old as say Judism or Muslim religions. Why does everyones religion have to be the "right" one? Can't we just appreciate others and hope that everyone is respectful of each other. I just don't get it. Who really knows who is right until we die.
Third thing - Maybe religion is a way that we cope with loss. Maybe there is no god. How else would we survive if we didn't believe that people we loved were technically not dead, just their bodies were. When bad things happen to good people religion is always there to save the day right?
I don't think I could go on if I thought that my kids weren't still somewhere but sometimes as much as I don't want to think about it this realization, as scary and terrifying as it is, pops into my head that maybe when we die we are really gone. No longer here. Not quite as important as we think. I don't want to think this way. I want to run arround living my life feeling comforted by the knowledge and belief that I won't ever be separated from my loved ones for long and we will always be together. I feel I need to believe to get through life. Right now if something happened to someone I love I don't know what would happen to me because what would I believe? Would I be able to go back and hold on to old beliefs?
Just so everyone knows I don't tell these doubts to my kids. Michael and Anthony firmly believe that Grandpa Pete is up in heaven and occasionally comes down to visit us in the form of a dragon fly that they see by the pool in the summer time. They were very excited at Christmas because of the baby Jesus' birthday and thought that Granpa Pete must be going to an exciting party up there. And everytime they lose a pet fish they always are comforted by the knowledge that that fish is swimming in the best most beautiful lake in heaven. I may be losing my religion but I don't want my boys to be afraid.
I am starting to feel that all anyone can do is enjoy life and make others around you happy. Maybe they will carry on what you taught them and that is how you can exist for a long time. In a mere hundred years or so I will be a name on a family tree and thats it. Maybe a brief listing about me but thats really all. I am no where in history only in my family. I am just another life on this planet. Millions die everyday I am not special. I could die tomorrow. Who knows and who outside of my family would really care. And then slowly I fade out of lives and become a name. And that is all.
Now I know this is depressing but it feels really good to get it out. Maybe some of you can help me find my religion so I can believe and live in a state of oblivian again. I want that. But how do I go back.
First thing that bothers me is the whole scientific thing. Who are we in the universe? What is the universe? Does it begin? Does it end? Is it inside something else? Are we here because we evolved from some micro organism and happen to live on the 3rd planet from the sun and have just the right environment to support life? Why do we think we are so important? Why as a species do we focus so much on things and what we have? Do we realize that our individual lives are short and merely a milasecond of a millasecond in the span of the universe or this planet. But yet we seem to live in a world where money rules and things that you have prove who you are.
Second thing that bothers me is the whole concept that my religion is better that your religion. Why is it that christians think their religion is best when it isn't even as close to as old as say Judism or Muslim religions. Why does everyones religion have to be the "right" one? Can't we just appreciate others and hope that everyone is respectful of each other. I just don't get it. Who really knows who is right until we die.
Third thing - Maybe religion is a way that we cope with loss. Maybe there is no god. How else would we survive if we didn't believe that people we loved were technically not dead, just their bodies were. When bad things happen to good people religion is always there to save the day right?
I don't think I could go on if I thought that my kids weren't still somewhere but sometimes as much as I don't want to think about it this realization, as scary and terrifying as it is, pops into my head that maybe when we die we are really gone. No longer here. Not quite as important as we think. I don't want to think this way. I want to run arround living my life feeling comforted by the knowledge and belief that I won't ever be separated from my loved ones for long and we will always be together. I feel I need to believe to get through life. Right now if something happened to someone I love I don't know what would happen to me because what would I believe? Would I be able to go back and hold on to old beliefs?
Just so everyone knows I don't tell these doubts to my kids. Michael and Anthony firmly believe that Grandpa Pete is up in heaven and occasionally comes down to visit us in the form of a dragon fly that they see by the pool in the summer time. They were very excited at Christmas because of the baby Jesus' birthday and thought that Granpa Pete must be going to an exciting party up there. And everytime they lose a pet fish they always are comforted by the knowledge that that fish is swimming in the best most beautiful lake in heaven. I may be losing my religion but I don't want my boys to be afraid.
I am starting to feel that all anyone can do is enjoy life and make others around you happy. Maybe they will carry on what you taught them and that is how you can exist for a long time. In a mere hundred years or so I will be a name on a family tree and thats it. Maybe a brief listing about me but thats really all. I am no where in history only in my family. I am just another life on this planet. Millions die everyday I am not special. I could die tomorrow. Who knows and who outside of my family would really care. And then slowly I fade out of lives and become a name. And that is all.
Now I know this is depressing but it feels really good to get it out. Maybe some of you can help me find my religion so I can believe and live in a state of oblivian again. I want that. But how do I go back.
3 comments:
I don't have time to leave a proper comment right now, but I just wanted to let you know that you're certainly not alone in feeling this way. I'll go in to more detail when I have more time.
There's a saying that goes something like "And in the beginning, Man created God." I'm not sure if that's correct or if I just butchered it, but it's something like that.
Christianity requires that you take the leap and belief in God despite all those questions. (Note how the Bible skirts those questions.) Have you considered looking into other religions? Sometimes thats fun to do, and in doing so can open your eyes to something about your own religion that you hadn't seen in that light.
I have a brother-in-law that has become a Buddist. He's even taken a trip to see the Dali Lama. His wife, my SIL, is a strong Christian. She struggles with BIL's decision daily.
I think momma_phoenix is right, Christianity does take a leap of faith. For my BIL, the change in religion has helped him cope with his recent battle with cancer.
I think faith is about finding what works for you. Just like we are all different, there is no one religion for all. You will find similarities in all the religions if you look for them.
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